Smart People Can Be Stupid Sometimes
by Roxius
Summary: I COMPLETELY CHANGED THIS FIC! It's now a series of oneshots featuring the crack pairing of Soifon X Mayuri. Some are onesided, and others are not. Please R & R! OOC!
1. Chocolates

Mayuri Kurotsuchi did the same thing every morning. After taking a burning hot shower and his daily dose of pills, Mayuri would head down to his 'secret' lab and perform all sorts of horrible experiments all day while Nemu brought him his daily meals. Today, however, would be both a different and interesting experience for him.

As he headed towards the door down to his lab, Nemu tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Father, 2nd Division captain Soifon is here to see you." Mayuri sighed as he reluctantly walked away from his lab. 'What the hell does that bitch want?' he wondered to himself. What he saw was quite shocking. Soifon was holding a bright red box against her chest and her cheeks were flushed red. Mayuri could only say one thing to this: "WTF, woman?"

Soifon let out a small shriek and began looking strangely nervous. "U-Uh...h-h-hello, Mayuri-taicho!" she cried, her face turning ever redder. Mayuri cocked one eyebrow and asked, "Are you...okay?" Soifon shrieked again and tried to cover her face with the red box. "I-I-I-I'M REALLY SORRY!" she quickly replied. 'You didn't even do anything yet!' Mayuri thought.

After a few minutes of Soifon looking completely flustered, she eventually held out the box towards him and shouted, "T-THIS IS FOR YOU!" Mayuri slowly grabbed the box and replied, "Um...thanks?" Before he could say anything else, Soifon had rushed off. Mayuri just shrugged and opened the box. Inside, there was a large assortment of chocolates.

Mayuri took a bite of one of the chocolates before spitting it out and crushing the box. He tossed the box into a trashcan and thought, 'Ugh! I fuckin' hate Caramel!'


	2. Mask

"Why do you wear that mask?" Soifon had asked one day as she and Mayuri ate lunch together,

Mayuri looked up from his bowl of ramen and muttered, "What's it to you, brat?" The black-haired girl just shrugged and replied, "I dunno. I just find it weird how you always wear that mask..." Mayuri grunted at her and went back to eating.

Everything was quite a for few seconds until Soifon suddenly reached out and pulled off Mayuri's mask with amazing speed. Realizing his face has been revealed, Mayuri quickly snatched back the mask and shouted, "WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT, YOU FREAK?"

Soifon's cheeks were slightly flushed as she replied, "Wow...you're really cute underneath that thing..." Mayuri scoffed at her and placed his mask back on so she wouldn't see him blush. "I-I'm really sorry, though..." Soifon muttered when she noticed how angry Mayuri seemed.

Mayuri was silent for a few moments before replying, "It's...it's okay..."


	3. Breasts

Soifon - "Hey, Mayuri-taicho! Wanna hear something cool?"

Mayuri - "...No."

Soifon - "Oh, come on! WHY NOT?"

Mayuri - "Because everytime you say you wanna tell me something 'cool', it turns out to be your sizes or something!"

Soifon - "B-But...I thought you liked my sizes!"

Mayuri - "I like your breasts and your ass. I don't care much about the waist..."

Soifon - "Does that mean you'll still like me even if I was fat?"

Mayuri - "Yes. Yes, I would..."

Soifon - "OH, MAYURI-TAICHO! YOU'RE SO SWEET!"

Mayuri - "Whatever. Now can you please leave me alone? I'm trying to work!"

Soifon - "...Hey, Mayuri-taicho?"

Mayuri - "NOW WHAT?"

Soifon - "Have you ever noticed that Nemu-chan kinda looks like our child?"

Mayuri - "Huh?"

Soifon - "I mean, she has your eyes (I think) and she has my hair. Isn't that weird?"

Mayuri - "...It's just a coincidence..."

Soifon - "I don't think so, Mayuri-taicho! I bet you really DO want to have kids with me!"

Mayuri - "I DO NOT! WHERE DO YOU GET THESE RIDICULOUS THOUGHTS?"

Soifon - "COME ON, MAYURI-TAICHO! I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKE ME, YOU LITTLE SNEAK!"

Mayuri - "JUST STOP TALKING, OKAY? JUST STOP TALKING!"

Soifon - "MAYURI-TAICHO LIKES ME! MAYURI-TAICHO LIKES ME! MAYURI-TAICHO LIKES ME!"

Mayuri - "SHUT UP, DAMMIT!"

Soifon - "...Hey, Mayuri-taicho?"

Mayuri - "OH MY GOD, NOW WHAT? JUST SAY WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY AND THEN LEAVE, GOT IT?"

Soifon - "A D-cup bra is too small for me..."

Mayuri - "..."


End file.
